Weekly Lesson: Killer Cows

For study until 22nd of September 2024

Subject: Killer Cows

Audio: On usual social media platforms.

Embellishment is a big part of storytelling in some parts of the UK, especially in Scotland and Ireland.  When I first heard about cows killing people I rolled my eyes.  As far as I was concerned this was another one of my Grandmother’s tall tales.

The first time I heard about it I laughed it off, the second time someone told me a story about being trampled by a cow, I thought it was one of those urban myths which refused to die but then something happened.  I was taking a shortcut through a field one day and found a group of cows staring at me as I passed them by. I had no reason to be suspicious of them, I mean it wasn’t like they were standing there with long trench coats, dark glasses and hats. Every time I looked away or lost eye contact with them they edged closer very quickly until I had the foresight to move away quicker. I quickly got out of the field and over the stream which somehow or other  deterred them. I looked back and caught a glimpse of them glaring bitterly from the other side of the stream.  These cows meant business, they knew exactly what they were doing.

They were clearly a gregarious bunch, a tight closely knit group community guarding their young.  It was a bit of a stark contrast to how I perceived cows when I was growing up.  Back in the 1970s, they were usually just standing there chewing the cud and looking beautiful. OK, I admit the beautiful part really is an exaggeration, but I suppose just like people they have humans they like and humans they don’t.

In a recent BBC news report they were discussing this idea of “killer cows” and how no one is safe in the countryside anymore. Anyone on a bike, with a dog or even just a casual walker is in grave danger of being attacked by these black and white killers.  No one knows why British cows are suddenly seeing red. Some people blame modern living, others say its related to mobile phone transmitters in the countryside or maybe sound pollution.

Whatever the reason, these previously doting  harmless looking cows with labels attached to  their ears are now kicking people and jumping on them to cause as much damage as they can.  I knew that camels could harm you if you upset them enough, but cows? Camels wait until you are asleep and then come and sit on you until you suffocate. I used to dismiss that as urban myth until I heard that story again and again from different parts of the Arab World.

I was recently sitting in a coffee bar in England when I came across a website stating :

“If you have been scared or injured by cattle while walking in the countryside of England or Wales, this is the place for you“. www.killercows.co.uk

“England and Wales huh? So the cows are  supporting Scottish Independence now”?  I laughed at my own joke and looked at the site which excluded about half of the UK. These people were deadly serious, raising awareness of just how deadly cows have become over the last number of years.

The website continues with:

“We entered the field and didn’t see the cows immediately as they were at the other end and around a curve in the path. When we saw them I got my son to walk nearer to me. We couldn’t see the exit on the path so we stopped and decided to keep well away from the herd and cut across diagonally away from them. Then they stopped eating and all looked at us, then started to run at us, still a distance away. I told my son to run and it was more of a jog and they chased us but when we went back around the curve in the field they didn’t keep up the chase. I knew cows could be dangerous but never actually had an incident like this, scary with an 8 year old.”

It just all sounded so dramatic, like a story from a parallel universe.

My mind drifted away again, this time  I saw myself standing in a pub, knocking back a whiskey (dry, no ice) when a cow wearing dark glasses and a head scarf appeared standing at the bar… “Hey, are you the Skype English teacher?” She whispered while the barman was away cleaning tables.

I was brought back to reality by noises in the café. Two women were joking with each other and one said “you silly moo” – a casual remark which Englishwomen often make to each other. “Moo” is the sound cows make supposedly, Its often heard and said jovially, unlike the other remark “you stupid cow” which people say to insult women they don’t like.  It crossed my mind that in these days of political correctness neither should be heard anymore.  Then of course for things we don’t believe we often simply say “that’s bull”.

Could it be that the cows have simply had enough? After years of giving us milk, they’ve discovered that we really don’t respect them, in fact we eat them.

Whatever the reason, cows now are to be feared, so the next time you are walking in the countryside take care, because you never know who or what is watching you.